Saturday, February 07, 2015

Domestic Violence

It has been a dreadful two weeks. It started with a phone call , my daughter was screaming down the phone, please could I come and get her. She thinks she ended the call but I heard her screaming the words
' I cant breathe ,please stop ,'.
I heard my grandson screaming in that high pitch that babies only do at times of distress .It is a blood curdling cry. I called the police. I was in my pjs. I grabbed my coat , got into the car and drove like a bat out of hell .I have no idea how I didn't have an accident .I called all the family telling them they needed to meet me at her house.

Fifteen of the longest minutes of my life went by before I got to hers. The police were leaving her flat .I approached them . It seems my daughter had called during her attack but her partner grabbed phone and ended the call, it seems the neighbours had also called. They said that he had fled before they had arrived and that my daughter didn't want to press charges. He said she has very distressed and he knew she was scared to talk. He asked me to try and persuade her to report the incident. I have to say their response time was very good. they had arrived five minutes after my daughters call.

The rest of the family arrived .The scene that awaited us was horrific .My daughter had a burst lip and massively swollen left cheek, and finger marks around her neck. Scratches on her arms and bruising around her wrists. She was shaking, crying, trying her best to console the baby.

We talked, we listened, she  said wanted to press charges but she was afraid that they would take her baby away if she admitted she was a victim of domestic violence for four years. Yes, you did read correctly .She had told us for the first time  she had been beaten up for four years, almost weekly.

 We managed to persuade her that the only way forward for her and her son is that she finally goes to the police. I reassured her no one would take baby away. I told her if she got help and left him no one would doubt her parenting skills. If she stayed I told her I would report my fears for her safety and the babies and that if she stayed with him I would make her leave the baby with me. I believe in life you have to make a stand I would not allow my daughter or grandson to ever live in fear of violence now that I was aware of this dangerous situation. I know that she finally understood the gravity of the situation. Her love for her son is what has made her take a stand .I am incredible proud of her

We spent hours waiting at the police station before we where finally seen. In that time my daughters resolve waned .My only complaint with the system at police stations is that if a victim of  DV  comes in they should get them in a room as quickly as possible as the victim shouldn't be allowed to think too much about the consequences of reporting this terrible crime. My daughter was so fearful of his reprisal, she changed her mind so many times whilst waiting. She finally reported it and a warrant was issued for his arrest. This was an agonising wait. We reported the DV on the Friday and they couldn't find him until the sunday.

During this wait my daughter was advised to contact DV hotline and women's aid who helped organise emergency accommodation. She couldn't stay with us or my mum as her partner knows these places.It is a terrible thing when you cant keep your children safe. We spoke to social workers, solictors, housing officers all of whom wanted almost blow by blow account of her DV. I watched my daughter stripped bare , it is a terrible thing to hear about your child being hurt and we never had any idea. He'd even hit her during her pregnancy.I have never felt so powerless. Hugs and kisses and lots of tissues was all I could offer. Reassurance that he will never hurt her again.

He was arrested and let out on bail until his court appearance seven days later. The solicitor advises we should take out a non molestation order to prevent him from any contact with an power of arrest note added. So that if he contacts her in any shape or form he will be arrested and this is then regarded as a breach of the order. The process from the moment you report DV is so long and complicated and I know this is the reason that women give up. The molestation order costs approx £1000 and it doesn't last indefinitely ,I am however very glad that it is available because finally she can feel safe.

 I would urge anyone who is living with DV if you are hurt please at the very least report it to your gp .He will not be able to do anything without your consent but at least that bruise/slap/ whatever would be noted and it will help when you finally can't stand it anymore. I'm so proud of my daughter.


  1. Oh my goodness how awful for you all. Your daughter for having to undergo this for four years without you knowing. For you to have to see her in such dreadful distress. I can't even imagine how I would deal with this situation if it were my daughter. Thank goodness she had the courage to ring you when she did, heaven knows what would have happened. How sad that she can't stay with you because HE knows where you live. As parents we want to be there for our children, protecting them from harm and of course that's what you want to do. I do hope your daughter is okay and with your help and guidance and reassurance she will be able to get through this terrible ordeal. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. P x

  2. I am so incredibly sorry to read this and to know what an awful ordeal your daughter, grandson and you have been through. Your daughter did an amazing thing in protecting her son and getting help and reporting this and you did an amazing thing in supporting her. I do hope that you will all be alright and that in due course life will move along and your daughter will be happy again. You are all in my thoughts. Hugs to you. xxxx

  3. I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter and her baby. I'm glad you are there for her.

  4. Oh my! I am so sorry to hear about this! Hugs to you and your family! I am glad your daughter is now out of the situation!
    I can believe that such an order (which will protect her) costs so much! I reckon some people can afford that... Very sad!
    Take care

  5. Oh my goodness, what an ordeal , my heart goes out to you all. How very brave of your daughter to finally admit it was going on. God bless.

  6. So sorry to read this. It was very brave of you to post this. I wish your daughter and her son well, and I hope they can start to enjoy life again soon. x

  7. Dear Helda! I was shocked to read your account, but thanks for sharing it! It is terrible that this has happened to your daughter. I do hope that something good will come out of all of this and that she and her little son will be able to live their lives without fear and violence!
    Thinking of you,
    Ingrid xx

  8. Dear, dear - this is dreadful. Your daughter is doing the right thing now and she will have the strength to go through with it because she has you and the rest of the family standing with her. It definitely is a good idea to report domestic violence and have incidents recorded. I can't believe it costs so much for the molestation order. I hope the whole thing gets sorted out as quickly as possible and your daughter and her son can move on.

  9. I am so sorry to hear what has happened to your daughter and grandson, your family and yourself. At least now steps have been taken to stop this ever happening to her again. Thinking of you!

  10. I was horrified to read your post, this is awful. I hope that you and your family can stay strong. You're in my thoughts!

  11. I was also horrified to read this and my thoughts are with you and your girl. It's frightening that this happens to 'ordinary' people and not just people you read about, if you understand what I mean by that. I can't understand why you should have to pay for the molestation order, it seems wrong when people are given new identities when they are not victims. Hugs xxx

  12. Oh my, how horrid for you all. Tough times to come but I know you will win out in the end. It's taken 18 months for my daughter to come to terms with her own situation (no violence thankfully, but very controlling), and she now sees life as it should be lived, full of possibilities and fun. Keep being an ever listening ear. Your daughter and grandson will appreciate it.
    My thoughts are with you. Take care, Sandra xx

  13. I am so sorry this has happened to your family. My sincere good wishes to you all as you travel this difficult road x

  14. Shocking!!!
    My first thoughts why do you have to pay for the non-molestation order. I don't understand that!!!
    I so feel for you and your daughter. I am totally convinced she has done the right thing and you too. Thank goodness she has a loving family to stand beside her. I so feel for you all xx