Its my mum's birthday on Christmas so she relaxes and we all shared the cooking so no stress there. The dish washing fell on me, my brother is quite lazy about dishes. My daughters helped so that was ok. So I was busy. We got down to drinking my plan was to drink until I danced and started telling everyone I love them .That's my polite way of saying I 'd drink until I was drunk and then I'd fall into a contented slumber. But , it didn't happen, no matter how I tried to escape the pain I just couldn't. I finally said goodnight and went to bed.
Gosh, the mind is such a powerful relentless tool. I just couldn't sleep, sleeping in my childhood home should make me feel comforted after all my fabulously strong courageous mother was here. Everyone I loved was here sleeping under this roof .I should be happy But, I just wanted to be anywhere but here. The pain resurfaces and damn it ,it really hurts.I listened all night to the sounds a house makes the gurgling boiler, the toilet flushing, the extractor fan , everything reminded me of the time before he left. Oh, god, I really needed to go home.
When my father left it devastated us as a family. My parents had been married for 33 years when he left .They'd gone on holiday and they came back a few days before Christmas and he said he was going to give us a Christmas to remember and then he is leaving to go back home as he and was in love with someone else. Can you believe it , in one or two sentence our lives changed. My mother cried and hugged her pillow like a baby that's the only time I've ever heard that guttural sound of deep unbearable pain come out of my mum. I hope to never hear that sound again.
Without boring you he left in the Jan without calling to say goodbye. I lived across the road from my parents and we all watched him get into a taxi and we have not seen him since. For the first time in years I feel so sad, in fact I cried yesterday like a baby. I'm now left feel rather lethargic. I'm suppose to go shopping and get some bits as I having a New years eve party, but I'm still in bed laptop tea and confession to you dear friends.
I'm sorry to bore you all I know you have your own troubles but I just for once after all these years felt I'd write it down. Im still not sure I'll click on the publish button .
Christmas is a very powerful time. Things that you try to forget and move past, jump out and stand stubbornly in your face refusing to budge.
ReplyDeleteDuring the rest of the year these horrible memories and thoughts can fade easily into the background while all the good things in your life bounce to the fore.
I do understand!
Here's to 2014, looking forward to reading your posts and hearing about all your exciting new ventures.
Leaving you with a positive note, you have got me hooked on crotchet!
I think this time of year can bring out a lot of emotion in most of us. Writing down these thoughts can be therapeutic. I wish you well now and in 2014. Thanks for stopping by my crochet blog today :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Christmas can be a difficult time of year. I'm looking forward to 2014 so much :) my motto is look forward, never back at things that cant be changed. on a lighter note :) you asked where I got my latch hook from, I'll post some links for you :) if your'e from the UK, all the better for postage. Thanks for stopping by my blog :) hope to see you again.
ReplyDeleteI am really glad you decided to click the publish button, as it will be good for you to get this out there instead of keeping it all in. It's a horrible feeling when Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of the year with your family but yet it can be the hardest time of the year when there is someone gone from your family especially with the circumstances. All you can do is keep being there for the rest of your family, especially your mum. All she will want is for the rest of you to be happy, right?!
ReplyDeleteTake care and I hope 2014 is good to you.
Hazel x
As has been said already, Christmas can bring memories to the forefront that are not always the ones we want to remember. I don't think there's ever a "good" age for losing a parent trhough divorce (or death for that matter). It's hard to move on, but time helps and the support of family. I hope your Mum had a good Christmas (I'm sure she did with everyone around her). I hope your party goes well on New Year's Eve and that you have good memories the next day. I'm sure you feel aa lot better just getting it off your chest. Julie x
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have had to go through this and that you are still suffering with these feelings at Christmas. I do hope that in time things may ease a little. Christmas is a funny time of year, so much expectation of being happy and jolly, but it can stir up all sorts of feelings and thoughts that we are not even aware of the rest of the year, or can at least put to one side.
ReplyDeleteI know it is no consolation, but know that you are not alone, as lots of people have troublesome memories and thoughts stirred up at this time of year.
I am sure that your Mum is very greatful and happy for your love and the time that you spent with her in past years and this Christmas, and I hope that you are making some happy memories together as you move on in life.
It is very brave of you to say how you feel, and I am sure that it will be helpful to others who read this to know that it is OK and normal to feel like this.
So, I am sorry for your pain, but I think you for sharing, and I wish you all the best and I hope that 2014 brings only wonderful things for you.
Lots of love xx
Very brave of you to share your thoughts. I'm sure you aren't alone in feeling sad at Christmas. There is so much pressure for everything to be "just right' and yet when you scratch the surface, it is rarely the case. Wishing you a positive 2014 x
ReplyDeleteHello I've just come over from Jennifer at Thistle Bear as I saw your comment there. Gosh I can't believe how alike our stories are and just wanted you to know I can really relate to yours. My dad left my mum 30 years ago after giving us a "good Christmas". He had already met the other woman and he also left in the January. They had been married for 37 years and even though I was married with a family of my own, I truly believed he had left me! he did keep in contact though and sadly passed away three years later. The pain is very immense, even now and I think I felt more upset when he left than when he died. I'm so sorry for your pain and hope in time you can learn to live with it. I really do apologise for loading this on you but in a strange way I feel quite liberated, never having written it down before. I hope this goes some way to help you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I too have very difficult Christmas memories and have spent a long time trying to get through them and enjoy Christmas, especially for my children's sake. I'm glad you shared this and I hope it helped you a little. Just know that you aren't alone, not at all.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a brave woman! Allowing your feelings to be there is the best thing to do.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this with us. (I feel more or less the same, I have not seen my father in 9 years I think... And my mother for more than 1 year now, and it hurts like hell)
It helps me to know others share my pain...
I wish you all the best for 2014, may lots of dream may come true.
I will admit you one thing : by reading your blog, I disovered Inside Crochet. I found the courage to write them, and now I am in it too.
So you are an inspiration for me, and you have helped me making a dream come true!
Oh I haven't been in the world of blog for ages and popped back over today and saw this. Such a lovely honest bit of writing like I never did see in the world of blog, like ever. Christmas is often difficult isn't it and to have such a big memory like this attached to it must make it an annual elephant in the room! I'm not making sense but just wanted to say thank you for publishing this. It was beautifully refreshing. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It sounds unbearably painful for you. But I think that when you share things with the blogging community you are so often met with support and friendship. The comments above are so touching to read.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best for 2014, take care. x
Grief is a terrible thing, with its own ways of reminding us that we are not yet reconciled to our loss. And loss coupled with rejection is the hardest of all to bear. It rocks your world and causes you to question so much. I think we all can understand your pain and I'm so glad you did publish this post as that means we can offer our support. Wishing you only good things in 2014, and much healing and restoration xxx
ReplyDeleteIt can do us good to share and feel the support from other people. I felt your pain reading your post and wish I could have something more reassuring to say. You have each other and I hope the new year brings you all great joy and happiness :) xx
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss and pain...thank you for trusting enough to share...I wish you all the best in the New Year! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteOh my dear Helda. I've just quickly popped unto blogland and reading this gas made me feel do very sad for you. I'm so sorry that you've gas to endure this in your lifetime. I think for many of us the separation of our parents is something we all fear and when it happens it can really break a person. You have every right to feel angry and hurt and it's important that you allow yourself to feel this rather than just to shove it away. I have no words of wisdom to offer bit I just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and that I'm sending a big hug your way co hope your party went well last night and that you had fun. Sending much love xxxx ps happy new year. May you find some level if closure and peace on this during this year. Meditation is a wonderful tool for this xxx
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about your pain. I know it would not alleviate your pain, but I find that sharing what hurts us make it easier to bear. I wish you joy and happiness in this New Year.
ReplyDeleteAh my dear, having never met, or even heard of you or seen your blog before, it feels strange to open the comment with ""ah my dear"", but pain is so universal that it makes us all related, instantly. This description of your father and the way he left is very sad.Sad for what it created, and also sad for the cavalierness of it....at least that is the way it seems... what an amazing wrench in the sense of reality....
ReplyDeleteplease accept my thoughts and compassion for you....
katiejayinpaATgmailDOTcom.
Argh, how devastating. I am sorry to hear that. I can understand that would take a while to recover from, especially if you have a close family.
ReplyDeleteI understand the feeling of close family members completely betraying you, it is hard to move forward from.
I am sure it will get better over time, so they tell us.
I think these things hit us at odd times, but then at other times the sun comes out again and it fades into the background a bit and it all looks more positive. I hope that happens for you too.
Happy new year.